The imagery is lovely, and you do a fantastic job at delineating Remus' thoughts and reactions. You write Remus with a bemused detachment that works in this story. I like how you mirror the closing with the opening, but with that subtle difference. There were a lot of brilliant touches, especially with the surreal feeling of Remus, James and Sirius coming across the Prewett brothers and the total lack of smell. That was very well done.
I do have some criticism for you, and I hope you take it in the spirit it's intended, and please realize, this is my opinion only and in no way reflects anyone else's. Feel free to delete or screen this comment as you see fit. Now please don't think I didn't like this story, because I did. Unfortunately, for me, I just didn't get the sense that Sirius was as dark as he could/should have been. You did a great job with the casual cruelty, but I thought that in this type of story there should have been an almost maniacal or desperate edge to the callousness that I just didn't feel. I didn't have a handle as to Sirius' motivations there. Remus comes across only as feeling bruised by Sirius when I felt he should have been left raw and bleeding in places. I thought Remus could've been harsher than he was, giving Sirius a taste of his own medicine when he rejects him. I thought you could have played up the contrast between Remus and Fabian, and Remus and Sirius more during that scene. Yes, Remus and Fabian were casual lovers too, but you portrayed so much more meaning and depth in their relationship in just a few sentences, than what Remus had with Sirius up to that point--Remus should have used that against Sirius, I think, which might have made Sirius' turnaround more stunning. At the end when Sirius realizes he does want Remus, again it didn't feel as if it went far enough--I didn't get enough of a sense that there was a convincing change of heart on Sirius' part. Maybe because it's the limitation of the POV--little details such as facial expression and voice inflection I think would have helped me believe a little more in Sirius' turnaround.
I hope these comments help--again, I hope you see them as constructive, because I do think it could really rip my heart out and stomp it into the floor if it just went a little--farther.
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I do have some criticism for you, and I hope you take it in the spirit it's intended, and please realize, this is my opinion only and in no way reflects anyone else's. Feel free to delete or screen this comment as you see fit. Now please don't think I didn't like this story, because I did. Unfortunately, for me, I just didn't get the sense that Sirius was as dark as he could/should have been. You did a great job with the casual cruelty, but I thought that in this type of story there should have been an almost maniacal or desperate edge to the callousness that I just didn't feel. I didn't have a handle as to Sirius' motivations there. Remus comes across only as feeling bruised by Sirius when I felt he should have been left raw and bleeding in places. I thought Remus could've been harsher than he was, giving Sirius a taste of his own medicine when he rejects him. I thought you could have played up the contrast between Remus and Fabian, and Remus and Sirius more during that scene. Yes, Remus and Fabian were casual lovers too, but you portrayed so much more meaning and depth in their relationship in just a few sentences, than what Remus had with Sirius up to that point--Remus should have used that against Sirius, I think, which might have made Sirius' turnaround more stunning. At the end when Sirius realizes he does want Remus, again it didn't feel as if it went far enough--I didn't get enough of a sense that there was a convincing change of heart on Sirius' part. Maybe because it's the limitation of the POV--little details such as facial expression and voice inflection I think would have helped me believe a little more in Sirius' turnaround.
I hope these comments help--again, I hope you see them as constructive, because I do think it could really rip my heart out and stomp it into the floor if it just went a little--farther.