Cause you my love I could never believe
Feb. 19th, 2005 07:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wildestrangerTitle: Bitter Watches of the Night
Auther: wildestranger
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: NC-17
Words:4245
Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns them, I don't have permission for this and I am making no money out of this. No infringement of copyright is intended.
Summary: MWPP, 7th year, Remus broods and Sirius provokes.
Notes: Thanks to my flatmate, who selflessly reads most things that come from my pen even if she doesn't really have the time. The title is from The Lord of the Rings, and I shall be most impressed if anyone finds where and why.
Both characters are over 18.
Bitter Watches of the Night
1. In the longest night of the year, Remus sits in front of the fire in the Gryffindor common room. He has taken to staying up after everyone else has gone to bed, huddled in an armchair and trying to warm his bones. He always brings a book, but more often then not he stops reading after a few pages. There are enough things to think about.
Being apart from his friends during the day is getting more difficult. Not because they will feel a loss at his absence, but because they are Friends, and Friends Must Stick Together, and because there will be questions and arguments and accusations if he goes off on his own. James is upset because Remus is destroying the security of their little circle. Peter is upset because James is upset. Sirius says nothing and lets Remus imagine all the things he could say. It is easier by night and he doesn’t have to defend himself, doesn’t have to tell them that he can’t stand being around them most of the time. He is tired of being nasty and losing his temper, which happens more and more often these days, and he hates himself afterwards. No amount of righteousness can justify telling your only friends to fuck off.
He likes the solitude because he doesn’t have to be angry.
2. For about a week after the full moon, Remus sleeps uneasily, waking up every half an hour because his joints ache and there is no position for his arms that won’t hurt. He makes himself stay awake, and hopes that when he does go to sleep he will be too tired to mind the pain. The first few days he is half asleep all the time, half dreaming, in a state where overheard conversations are transformed into snippets of nightmares, until he is jerked awake again by some noise or the snap of his neck as it falls forward. He remains tired throughout the day, but becomes more awake in the evening.
Arranging himself into a comfortable position isn’t easy. There are wounds still open, bruises that are sore and he needs to lift up his legs so that there isn’t any strain on his knees. But comfort is not what he expects, anymore.
On such nights he can feel separate, not the companion of James Potter and Sirius Black, but just him. He can forget to measure himself to them, a habit he has spent years denying, trying to get rid of, but knows he still has. He can see himself as they do, and while their perception of him isn’t unkind, it is also limited. He knows he is more than that. He knows what it costs him to keep up, keep calm, not be filled with hate. Sometimes he can understand Peter, how admiration can be mixed with resentment, and he knows how easy it would be to forget how pathetic he feels and remember only how wonderful his friends seem to be.
3. Sirius has been awake for a few hours, has lain in bed without the lights on, but his restlessness is made worse by inactivity. He gets up, and walks down the stairs to the common room. He knows he will find Remus there. When he reaches the door, he stops and watches. He likes to watch Remus. Hair that is dirty blond in daylight becomes the colour of old copper, mysterious in the light of the fire. He knows Remus has seen him; his effort of not tensing his shoulders is familiar to Sirius. He comes to stand behind Remus’s chair, waiting to be acknowledged and knowing that it annoys Remus when he does this. That’s why he does it, after all. Remus turns his head, glances over Sirius, turns back to the fire.
For some years now Remus has made a conscious decision not to look at Sirius when he enters a room. All eyes are drawn to him, and he attracts attention effortlessly, aware but unconcerned and graceful in his carelessness. James might be the more popular of the two, certainly better liked by students and staff, but there is something about Sirius, which commands a reaction. You might despise him but you will notice him, and Remus has seen even Snape turn to look and continue to look when Sirius enters a room, with loathing, but, nevertheless, unable to look away. Resisting the urge to look has become a point of pride for Remus, but also a part of the game. If Remus continues to ignore him, Sirius will come close and stare at him until he gives in. Remus used to think it was only a question of ego, that Sirius needs to be noticed by everyone, but lately there has been less of triumph in Sirius when Remus finally looks. He doesn’t know what there is.
4. Sirius is standing by him, carelessly lovely in low-hung pyjama bottoms and a tight t-shirt, tousled hair flicking over his collarbone. Remus resists the urge to be still, and looks at Sirius instead, who has opened his mouth to speak.
“Why are you up?”
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“But you’ve been tired all day. You fell asleep in History of Magic.”
“Yes. I am a nocturnal beast.” Remus allows the slight grin on his face to show that sarcasm isn’t much intended.
Of course, Sirius knows why Remus is tired, and Remus knows he knows. Casual conversation has become unsafe lately, with Remus likely to point out the foolishness of such questions, as well as the foolishness of the person asking. Peter and James have become careful with what they say to Remus. Sirius has become more provocative.
5. Two weeks before there had been a party, the eighteenth birthday of a Gryffindor girl. Sirius had spent the evening talking to the birthday girl. He fondled her arm, put his hand on her thigh, leaned close, pressed his mouth to her ear when he spoke to her, and smiled while driving the girl, and the half of the room who were watching them, crazy by not kissing her. And as she gushed and told Sirius how she’d enjoyed the party and how she’s love to see more of him (innuendo undoubtedly intended), he looked over her shoulder at Remus as if to say This is what I can do, This is what I can make someone feel, This is how much I can cause someone to want.
He wasn’t surprised when Remus looked away. He was surprised to have caught him watching at all.
6. For the first few months after The Prank Remus hadn’t allowed them to come with him on the full moon. He was always worse afterwards, the scars more pronounced and the whimpering more uncontrollable behind his bed curtains. Remus had cast a silencing charm on his bed every night, and Sirius had cast a counter spell that allowed him to hear any involuntary sounds, anything caused by pain. Remus had been furious, in a way that shocked the others because an angry Remus was usually quiet and just withdraw further. After he had shouted rather inventive abuse at Sirius for a while, Sirius had shouted back that he would do it again if they weren’t permitted to help in other ways. Remus had then become cold and told him that it was none of his business what Remus did. Sirius had exploded at this, but it was James asking quietly that Remus let them come along again that had made him consent. Yet he insisted that they would not come near him after the transformation. Remus said he needed to know how to take care of himself, and when Sirius had said he wouldn’t ever have to, that his friends would always be there, Remus looked at him as if he’d said something ridiculous but Remus couldn’t be bothered to point that out.
7. They don’t talk about Remus’s condition, unless Remus starts the conversation himself, which he never does anymore. NEWTs are an acceptable topic, but after months of revising there isn’t much to say except This sucks and I hate studying. So they have all thought of other things to talk about in front of Remus. Peter talks about his classes, and what he plans to do in the future, as he knows he is the only one of the Marauders Remus can stand to hear this from. James speaks of rumours going around the school, of dark-hooded men and a snake-symbol in the sky, because Remus will listen gravely, because this is something bigger than them. Sirius talks about himself, knowing that no one will expect anything else from him. Now, leaning on the back of another armchair, Sirius starts telling him of this girl he had pulled yesterday, and how he had taken her into a cupboard in the Charms classroom, and hidden from McGonagall, and almost been caught by Mrs. Norris. He said she had a good mouth but was otherwise quite boring. Sirius knows Remus doesn’t want to hear this, and he is rather bored by the story himself, but the urge to keep talking is overwhelming and if he becomes annoying enough Remus might shout at him. Or at least be sarcastic at him. Sirius doesn’t remember the last time Remus had smiled at something he’d said, or looked at him like he liked him, but he’s become rather good at making Remus annoyed. Losing his temper is rare, but always worth the effort as Sirius can’t stand the sight of Remus looking at nothing, being polite, not reacting in any way. If it was just him, he could handle it, and admits as soon as he’s thought that that he wouldn’t, but Remus is like this with everyone. As if he doesn’t care about anything, or anyone.
“Why are you here, Sirius?”
Sirius looks at him like a kicked puppy; a look Remus knows is carefully cultivated and performed when necessary, but one that can still affect him. Then Sirius becomes blank, a rarity as he is usually eager for the world to know the moods and opinions of Sirius Black. His voice is carefully unemotional, serious, when he speaks.
“Because I want to sit with you.”
He is looking at Remus with a smidgeon of a challenge. This is not polite conversation between roommates at one a.m. nor the appropriate form of communication between friends. This is something that requires Remus to answer, and avoiding it will only make Sirius worse.
8. There are conversations they are not having. Remus doesn’t ask What do you want. Or why do you stay here. Sirius doesn’t ask why don’t you want to be in the same room as me. Why don’t you look at me. They both practice these questions inside their minds, and decide they would rather not hear the answers.
9. There had been a snowball fight that day, Gryffindors vs. Slytherins, with everyone else forming alliances and enemies as the situation required. James had thrown a ball at Sirius, hitting him in the face, and everyone else had stopped fighting to laugh at him. Sirius had chased James around the courtyard before tackling him, pinning his arms above his head and washing his face with snow repeatedly. In the middle of the laughter and the insults, Lily encouraging Sirius and Snape calling them poofters, Sirius had turned to look at Remus, who had only agreed to come and play after some cajoling from Lily and was standing with the other Gryffindors waiting them to finish. He looked at Remus as he put snow under James’s collar, grinned, and flexed his hips. He looked long enough for James to take advantage of his distraction and throw him off, and resume play. As Sirius, unfazed, begun to walk towards him, Remus said something to Lily that made her blush and made Peter frown, and turned back to the castle.
He knows Sirius wants to play. What he is not so sure of is whether Sirius can handle what would happen after the game.
10. Remus doesn’t hate Sirius, although he knows Sirius thinks he does. He has forgiven Sirius for the Prank, and has told him so. He doesn’t try to convince him. Yet conversations they keep having always circle back to that.
“ I don’t expect anything more from you. Or from anyone.”
Sirius looks like he can’t believe what he is hearing.
“And why the fuck not?”
Remus fights his anger, and then gives in.
“ Because I can’t! What do you think is waiting for me outside these walls? A good job, a nice home, some girl to marry and a future as a respectable member of the community? I can’t get a job, Sirius, there are laws that limit what I can even apply for, and who would hire a werewolf anyway? I won’t be able to earn enough money to support myself. I will have to be grateful for any menial job I can get. So pray tell, my friend, why the fuck should I be happy about that?
Now Sirius is getting angry.
“And do you think we’d let you starve, Moony? James is loaded, even without a job, and we’ll both be starting Auror-training next year. You won’t have to live on the street.”
“And has it occurred to you that I might not want to depend on charity for my survival? That I might prefer to be independent?”
11. Yet Sirius has thought about it. He is going to get a flat in London, and somehow convince Remus to live with him. He is going to learn to cook so he can feed Remus whilst pretending to try out new recipes. He is going to study in front of Remus, and demand that he help him practice so that everything the Auror academy can teach him, Remus will learn too. Sirius suspects that the law prohibiting werewolves from becoming Aurors bothers Remus more because it keeps certain kinds of knowledge from him rather than because it effects his employment prospects.
He hasn’t told Remus any of this, and he knows Remus wouldn’t want to let him help. But Remus is not the only one who is stubborn, nor the only one with pride. And Sirius knows what letting go of his is worth.
12. Remus admits that there is still love, or something, some kind of feeling. Of all his friends it is Sirius who reacts worst to the distance he is trying to put between them. James is preoccupied with Lily, and both of them are thinking of the life ahead, and looking forward to it. As for Peter, well, he just looks at James like he can’t understand what’s happening, half excited, half resentful, on his behalf. Peter is not interested in Remus. But Sirius walks around looking wounded, and goes from accusations to haughty indifference. Sirius doesn’t want to let go of him. Which offends Remus, because he doesn’t really believe that Sirius wants him around. He believes that Sirius believes he does.
13. Remus struggles to change his position on the chair, but he is having difficulties lifting himself with his arms. Sirius offers to help.
“Let me give you a hand, if you just stay still I can…”
“That’s very kind of you, Sirius, but totally unnecessary. I can do that myself.”
The Marauders learned long ago that if Remus called somebody “very kind,” he was in fact very annoyed at them. Excessive politeness verging on sarcasm means stay away from me unless you want your arse kicked. In the past Sirius would have heeded the warning and gone back to bed, but tonight he too is annoyed.
He knows Remus doesn’t trust him, doesn’t trust any of them after the Prank. He knows he has been forgiven, but Remus doesn’t depend on them anymore, not like he used to, he is withdrawing himself from their circle, and spending more time by himself. He is becoming Remus the Unbreakable Fortress instead of Remus the Third Marauder.
Sirius doesn’t like the idea that something is inaccessible to him, but he can understand that Remus would want that. What he can’t accept is the coldness in Remus’s voice when he speaks about the future. And suddenly what he has hated but tolerated becomes intolerable. He can see Remus moving from one small, cold room to a smaller one, always hungry, cold, unmoving. Unfeeling. And that’s not good enough.
14. Remus is beautiful. Sirius has admitted this to himself a long time ago. He is also untouchable. Sirius has watched a number of Hogwarts students, mostly girls but also some boys, approach him in a variety of fashions, only to be rebuffed politely. He has never seen Remus hesitate, never seen him consider any of the people who are drawn to him by the grace of his movements and the honey in his voice, his quiet thoughts that surprise by their wit when shared.
Remus doesn’t allow himself to be touched. Sirius hasn’t ever tried, not that way. He has thought about it, imagined reaching out to touch that jaw, run his fingers along that neck, press his lips on those eyes, but Remus would stop him at the first touch. And he would draw away from him.
So in fact he has nothing to lose. Sirius ignores the pang this admittance causes, and moves forward a little. And he is aware of the energy coming off Remus, heat that has nothing to do with the fire. His blood starts to hum.
15. Remus is watching him with a strange look on his face. Sirius comes around the chair, and kneels in front of Remus. As Remus starts to ask “What are you…” Sirius takes his face between his hands and kisses him. Press of lips, swirl of tongue across them, and then the plunge.
Remus is still for a moment, and then pushes him away with enough force to land him on the floor. His face is white and his eyes are cold and he stands absolutely still.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
16. Sirius doesn’t know what to say. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Remus was supposed to transform his anger into passion and they were supposed to shag like rabbits on the common room floor.
“Are you bored, Sirius? Want something to distract you, something to take your mind off the fact that James isn’t paying any attention to you these days and no one cares if you make a prat of yourself? Something that would piss off your parents, like shagging a mudblood male werewolf? Would that get you their attention? Hate to break it to you, mate, but your family stopped caring a long time ago. Your pathetic attempts at pissing off Slytherins fool no one, they know and we know you only do it to show how different you are. At least they have the dignity to be sadistic bastards and proud of it, whereas you try to justify your bullying by complaining about Mummy and Daddy and how they don’t love you anymore. Merlin, even Snape is less embarrassing than you.”
“Moony, please don’t…”
“You do know I hate that nickname, don’t you? But of course that doesn’t come into it, it amuses you and makes you feel witty and that’s what matters. “
“You never said…”
“I did say, Sirius, you just didn’t pay attention, as you didn’t want to hear and it didn’t fit with your image of me. Just as having opinions that differs from yours or James’s doesn’t fit, or saying nasty things to you doesn’t fit because Moony is quiet and kind and grateful that you deign to be friends with him. It would never occur to you that I might not like how you treat me. That I might not like you? Cause, really, Sirius, I find that I don’t.”
Sirius finds that he starts babbling, but he feels too sick to care about how silly he looks.
“I know you are still angry about the Shack and Snape, and you have every right to be, I am so sorry, Remus, I know you haven’t forgiven me…”
Remus pauses.
“No, it appears I haven’t. But it’s not that. There are a million little things that you say and do everyday. And I choose not to forgive.”
“Remus, I’m sorry, I just wanted to…”
“Wanted what? Now that James is leaving you and doesn’t want to play anymore, you want someone else to make you feel special? One would think that the ever-popular and oh-so-charming Sirius Black would not have to stoop that low, but of course you actually are that needy, that desperate to be liked by someone, and you thought I should be grateful for your attention? Poor Remus, so ugly and weak and spineless that he’ll do anything for you?”
“Or perhaps you thought I fancied you? Because you are such a delightful person that even your roommate is secretly pining in lust for you? Perhaps you wanted to feel the wolf, force me to take control so you wouldn’t have to remember who you are for one moment? Did you want me to fuck you, Sirius? Throw you against a wall, push your face to the side, and bite your neck so you’ll know you are being owned. Tear your shirt off and pin yours arms so you can’t move, leave fingerprints and bite marks on your body so you can see, you can remember the next day how much you were wanted. Fuck you up the arse so you can lose yourself in the feeling, force you to come so you could pretend you don’t really want what you want.”
Sirius is embarrassed to find that he is getting hard, equally horrified and aroused by Remus’s words. He opens his mouth, and closes it again, as Remus moves closer and grabs his collar.
“Is this what you want? Is this what you want, Sirius?”
17. Sirius feels more than hears the low growl in Remus’s throat, and he is being kissed, hard, with teeth and lips, and Remus’s tongue is inside his mouth, sending bursts of light behind his eyelids as it hits the skin behind his upper lip, and he feels his tongue being sucked into Remus’s mouth, which is pulling and biting and pushing in rhythm to Remus’s hips which are grinding against him. His hands are being pinned to his sides by Remus’s hands, and he doesn’t even try to free himself, doesn’t want to, wants to do anything Remus wants to do.
Then one hand is pushing his shirt up and Remus is pinching his nipple and it hurts but all sensation really is going down to his cock, which is being freed by Remus’s other hand, and then he is stroking it, and oh god, it feels too much, and Remus is sucking on his tongue at the same time as he is pinching and bruising his nipple and pulling at his cock and he comes onto Remus’s hand with a sob.
18. Sirius remains crumpled against the wall as Remus steps back, wipes his hand on Sirius’s crunched up t-shirt, and moves toward the armchair.
“Now leave me alone. That’s all I will do for you.”
Remus waits, then watches silently as Sirius steps back, stumbles, and then runs out the door. He can hear footsteps, crashing on the way outside, and eventually fall silent.
He stands still for a while, then sits back in front of the fireplace.
19. After walking around the lake twice Sirius realises four things. Remus lies very well, often and convincingly. Remus is always kind to people he doesn’t care about. Remus can’t handle not being in control. Remus deals with threats to his safety effectively and with cold and precise calculation.
He starts to run back to the castle.
20. Remus remains seated on the armchair. The fire has gone out, and Remus takes perverse satisfaction in the coldness of the room. He can’t feel his toes.
He doesn’t want to go back to his room, knows he can’t sleep. The idea of going down to breakfast in the morning, seeing James and Peter and Lily and everyone else makes him nauseous. He doesn’t think about seeing Sirius.
He imagines walking down to the forest and keeping on walking, just disappearing from Hogwarts, forgetting his life. He imagines never speaking to anyone he knows again, starting a new life, keeping on walking. Maybe he could steal a broomstick, fly over forests and mountains to somewhere where people don’t speak English, where no one has heard of wizards or werewolves, and the idea of Lord Voldemort is ludicrous. He likes flying, although he doesn’t do it very often, too dangerous, and he is too sickly.
This time Remus doesn’t hear Sirius come up. His nerves have given up, and he feels numb, from the cold and from tiredness, and if Dumbledore came and told him he was to be thrown out and sent to Azkaban he couldn’t muster the energy to care.
Sirius comes through the door, and keeps walking, slowly, towards Remus. He sits down on the arm and just looks at Remus.
Remus closes his eyes, and lets out a breath. When Sirius kisses him, he starts to shake, and doesn’t stop.
Auther: wildestranger
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: NC-17
Words:4245
Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns them, I don't have permission for this and I am making no money out of this. No infringement of copyright is intended.
Summary: MWPP, 7th year, Remus broods and Sirius provokes.
Notes: Thanks to my flatmate, who selflessly reads most things that come from my pen even if she doesn't really have the time. The title is from The Lord of the Rings, and I shall be most impressed if anyone finds where and why.
Both characters are over 18.
Bitter Watches of the Night
1. In the longest night of the year, Remus sits in front of the fire in the Gryffindor common room. He has taken to staying up after everyone else has gone to bed, huddled in an armchair and trying to warm his bones. He always brings a book, but more often then not he stops reading after a few pages. There are enough things to think about.
Being apart from his friends during the day is getting more difficult. Not because they will feel a loss at his absence, but because they are Friends, and Friends Must Stick Together, and because there will be questions and arguments and accusations if he goes off on his own. James is upset because Remus is destroying the security of their little circle. Peter is upset because James is upset. Sirius says nothing and lets Remus imagine all the things he could say. It is easier by night and he doesn’t have to defend himself, doesn’t have to tell them that he can’t stand being around them most of the time. He is tired of being nasty and losing his temper, which happens more and more often these days, and he hates himself afterwards. No amount of righteousness can justify telling your only friends to fuck off.
He likes the solitude because he doesn’t have to be angry.
2. For about a week after the full moon, Remus sleeps uneasily, waking up every half an hour because his joints ache and there is no position for his arms that won’t hurt. He makes himself stay awake, and hopes that when he does go to sleep he will be too tired to mind the pain. The first few days he is half asleep all the time, half dreaming, in a state where overheard conversations are transformed into snippets of nightmares, until he is jerked awake again by some noise or the snap of his neck as it falls forward. He remains tired throughout the day, but becomes more awake in the evening.
Arranging himself into a comfortable position isn’t easy. There are wounds still open, bruises that are sore and he needs to lift up his legs so that there isn’t any strain on his knees. But comfort is not what he expects, anymore.
On such nights he can feel separate, not the companion of James Potter and Sirius Black, but just him. He can forget to measure himself to them, a habit he has spent years denying, trying to get rid of, but knows he still has. He can see himself as they do, and while their perception of him isn’t unkind, it is also limited. He knows he is more than that. He knows what it costs him to keep up, keep calm, not be filled with hate. Sometimes he can understand Peter, how admiration can be mixed with resentment, and he knows how easy it would be to forget how pathetic he feels and remember only how wonderful his friends seem to be.
3. Sirius has been awake for a few hours, has lain in bed without the lights on, but his restlessness is made worse by inactivity. He gets up, and walks down the stairs to the common room. He knows he will find Remus there. When he reaches the door, he stops and watches. He likes to watch Remus. Hair that is dirty blond in daylight becomes the colour of old copper, mysterious in the light of the fire. He knows Remus has seen him; his effort of not tensing his shoulders is familiar to Sirius. He comes to stand behind Remus’s chair, waiting to be acknowledged and knowing that it annoys Remus when he does this. That’s why he does it, after all. Remus turns his head, glances over Sirius, turns back to the fire.
For some years now Remus has made a conscious decision not to look at Sirius when he enters a room. All eyes are drawn to him, and he attracts attention effortlessly, aware but unconcerned and graceful in his carelessness. James might be the more popular of the two, certainly better liked by students and staff, but there is something about Sirius, which commands a reaction. You might despise him but you will notice him, and Remus has seen even Snape turn to look and continue to look when Sirius enters a room, with loathing, but, nevertheless, unable to look away. Resisting the urge to look has become a point of pride for Remus, but also a part of the game. If Remus continues to ignore him, Sirius will come close and stare at him until he gives in. Remus used to think it was only a question of ego, that Sirius needs to be noticed by everyone, but lately there has been less of triumph in Sirius when Remus finally looks. He doesn’t know what there is.
4. Sirius is standing by him, carelessly lovely in low-hung pyjama bottoms and a tight t-shirt, tousled hair flicking over his collarbone. Remus resists the urge to be still, and looks at Sirius instead, who has opened his mouth to speak.
“Why are you up?”
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“But you’ve been tired all day. You fell asleep in History of Magic.”
“Yes. I am a nocturnal beast.” Remus allows the slight grin on his face to show that sarcasm isn’t much intended.
Of course, Sirius knows why Remus is tired, and Remus knows he knows. Casual conversation has become unsafe lately, with Remus likely to point out the foolishness of such questions, as well as the foolishness of the person asking. Peter and James have become careful with what they say to Remus. Sirius has become more provocative.
5. Two weeks before there had been a party, the eighteenth birthday of a Gryffindor girl. Sirius had spent the evening talking to the birthday girl. He fondled her arm, put his hand on her thigh, leaned close, pressed his mouth to her ear when he spoke to her, and smiled while driving the girl, and the half of the room who were watching them, crazy by not kissing her. And as she gushed and told Sirius how she’d enjoyed the party and how she’s love to see more of him (innuendo undoubtedly intended), he looked over her shoulder at Remus as if to say This is what I can do, This is what I can make someone feel, This is how much I can cause someone to want.
He wasn’t surprised when Remus looked away. He was surprised to have caught him watching at all.
6. For the first few months after The Prank Remus hadn’t allowed them to come with him on the full moon. He was always worse afterwards, the scars more pronounced and the whimpering more uncontrollable behind his bed curtains. Remus had cast a silencing charm on his bed every night, and Sirius had cast a counter spell that allowed him to hear any involuntary sounds, anything caused by pain. Remus had been furious, in a way that shocked the others because an angry Remus was usually quiet and just withdraw further. After he had shouted rather inventive abuse at Sirius for a while, Sirius had shouted back that he would do it again if they weren’t permitted to help in other ways. Remus had then become cold and told him that it was none of his business what Remus did. Sirius had exploded at this, but it was James asking quietly that Remus let them come along again that had made him consent. Yet he insisted that they would not come near him after the transformation. Remus said he needed to know how to take care of himself, and when Sirius had said he wouldn’t ever have to, that his friends would always be there, Remus looked at him as if he’d said something ridiculous but Remus couldn’t be bothered to point that out.
7. They don’t talk about Remus’s condition, unless Remus starts the conversation himself, which he never does anymore. NEWTs are an acceptable topic, but after months of revising there isn’t much to say except This sucks and I hate studying. So they have all thought of other things to talk about in front of Remus. Peter talks about his classes, and what he plans to do in the future, as he knows he is the only one of the Marauders Remus can stand to hear this from. James speaks of rumours going around the school, of dark-hooded men and a snake-symbol in the sky, because Remus will listen gravely, because this is something bigger than them. Sirius talks about himself, knowing that no one will expect anything else from him. Now, leaning on the back of another armchair, Sirius starts telling him of this girl he had pulled yesterday, and how he had taken her into a cupboard in the Charms classroom, and hidden from McGonagall, and almost been caught by Mrs. Norris. He said she had a good mouth but was otherwise quite boring. Sirius knows Remus doesn’t want to hear this, and he is rather bored by the story himself, but the urge to keep talking is overwhelming and if he becomes annoying enough Remus might shout at him. Or at least be sarcastic at him. Sirius doesn’t remember the last time Remus had smiled at something he’d said, or looked at him like he liked him, but he’s become rather good at making Remus annoyed. Losing his temper is rare, but always worth the effort as Sirius can’t stand the sight of Remus looking at nothing, being polite, not reacting in any way. If it was just him, he could handle it, and admits as soon as he’s thought that that he wouldn’t, but Remus is like this with everyone. As if he doesn’t care about anything, or anyone.
“Why are you here, Sirius?”
Sirius looks at him like a kicked puppy; a look Remus knows is carefully cultivated and performed when necessary, but one that can still affect him. Then Sirius becomes blank, a rarity as he is usually eager for the world to know the moods and opinions of Sirius Black. His voice is carefully unemotional, serious, when he speaks.
“Because I want to sit with you.”
He is looking at Remus with a smidgeon of a challenge. This is not polite conversation between roommates at one a.m. nor the appropriate form of communication between friends. This is something that requires Remus to answer, and avoiding it will only make Sirius worse.
8. There are conversations they are not having. Remus doesn’t ask What do you want. Or why do you stay here. Sirius doesn’t ask why don’t you want to be in the same room as me. Why don’t you look at me. They both practice these questions inside their minds, and decide they would rather not hear the answers.
9. There had been a snowball fight that day, Gryffindors vs. Slytherins, with everyone else forming alliances and enemies as the situation required. James had thrown a ball at Sirius, hitting him in the face, and everyone else had stopped fighting to laugh at him. Sirius had chased James around the courtyard before tackling him, pinning his arms above his head and washing his face with snow repeatedly. In the middle of the laughter and the insults, Lily encouraging Sirius and Snape calling them poofters, Sirius had turned to look at Remus, who had only agreed to come and play after some cajoling from Lily and was standing with the other Gryffindors waiting them to finish. He looked at Remus as he put snow under James’s collar, grinned, and flexed his hips. He looked long enough for James to take advantage of his distraction and throw him off, and resume play. As Sirius, unfazed, begun to walk towards him, Remus said something to Lily that made her blush and made Peter frown, and turned back to the castle.
He knows Sirius wants to play. What he is not so sure of is whether Sirius can handle what would happen after the game.
10. Remus doesn’t hate Sirius, although he knows Sirius thinks he does. He has forgiven Sirius for the Prank, and has told him so. He doesn’t try to convince him. Yet conversations they keep having always circle back to that.
“ I don’t expect anything more from you. Or from anyone.”
Sirius looks like he can’t believe what he is hearing.
“And why the fuck not?”
Remus fights his anger, and then gives in.
“ Because I can’t! What do you think is waiting for me outside these walls? A good job, a nice home, some girl to marry and a future as a respectable member of the community? I can’t get a job, Sirius, there are laws that limit what I can even apply for, and who would hire a werewolf anyway? I won’t be able to earn enough money to support myself. I will have to be grateful for any menial job I can get. So pray tell, my friend, why the fuck should I be happy about that?
Now Sirius is getting angry.
“And do you think we’d let you starve, Moony? James is loaded, even without a job, and we’ll both be starting Auror-training next year. You won’t have to live on the street.”
“And has it occurred to you that I might not want to depend on charity for my survival? That I might prefer to be independent?”
11. Yet Sirius has thought about it. He is going to get a flat in London, and somehow convince Remus to live with him. He is going to learn to cook so he can feed Remus whilst pretending to try out new recipes. He is going to study in front of Remus, and demand that he help him practice so that everything the Auror academy can teach him, Remus will learn too. Sirius suspects that the law prohibiting werewolves from becoming Aurors bothers Remus more because it keeps certain kinds of knowledge from him rather than because it effects his employment prospects.
He hasn’t told Remus any of this, and he knows Remus wouldn’t want to let him help. But Remus is not the only one who is stubborn, nor the only one with pride. And Sirius knows what letting go of his is worth.
12. Remus admits that there is still love, or something, some kind of feeling. Of all his friends it is Sirius who reacts worst to the distance he is trying to put between them. James is preoccupied with Lily, and both of them are thinking of the life ahead, and looking forward to it. As for Peter, well, he just looks at James like he can’t understand what’s happening, half excited, half resentful, on his behalf. Peter is not interested in Remus. But Sirius walks around looking wounded, and goes from accusations to haughty indifference. Sirius doesn’t want to let go of him. Which offends Remus, because he doesn’t really believe that Sirius wants him around. He believes that Sirius believes he does.
13. Remus struggles to change his position on the chair, but he is having difficulties lifting himself with his arms. Sirius offers to help.
“Let me give you a hand, if you just stay still I can…”
“That’s very kind of you, Sirius, but totally unnecessary. I can do that myself.”
The Marauders learned long ago that if Remus called somebody “very kind,” he was in fact very annoyed at them. Excessive politeness verging on sarcasm means stay away from me unless you want your arse kicked. In the past Sirius would have heeded the warning and gone back to bed, but tonight he too is annoyed.
He knows Remus doesn’t trust him, doesn’t trust any of them after the Prank. He knows he has been forgiven, but Remus doesn’t depend on them anymore, not like he used to, he is withdrawing himself from their circle, and spending more time by himself. He is becoming Remus the Unbreakable Fortress instead of Remus the Third Marauder.
Sirius doesn’t like the idea that something is inaccessible to him, but he can understand that Remus would want that. What he can’t accept is the coldness in Remus’s voice when he speaks about the future. And suddenly what he has hated but tolerated becomes intolerable. He can see Remus moving from one small, cold room to a smaller one, always hungry, cold, unmoving. Unfeeling. And that’s not good enough.
14. Remus is beautiful. Sirius has admitted this to himself a long time ago. He is also untouchable. Sirius has watched a number of Hogwarts students, mostly girls but also some boys, approach him in a variety of fashions, only to be rebuffed politely. He has never seen Remus hesitate, never seen him consider any of the people who are drawn to him by the grace of his movements and the honey in his voice, his quiet thoughts that surprise by their wit when shared.
Remus doesn’t allow himself to be touched. Sirius hasn’t ever tried, not that way. He has thought about it, imagined reaching out to touch that jaw, run his fingers along that neck, press his lips on those eyes, but Remus would stop him at the first touch. And he would draw away from him.
So in fact he has nothing to lose. Sirius ignores the pang this admittance causes, and moves forward a little. And he is aware of the energy coming off Remus, heat that has nothing to do with the fire. His blood starts to hum.
15. Remus is watching him with a strange look on his face. Sirius comes around the chair, and kneels in front of Remus. As Remus starts to ask “What are you…” Sirius takes his face between his hands and kisses him. Press of lips, swirl of tongue across them, and then the plunge.
Remus is still for a moment, and then pushes him away with enough force to land him on the floor. His face is white and his eyes are cold and he stands absolutely still.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
16. Sirius doesn’t know what to say. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Remus was supposed to transform his anger into passion and they were supposed to shag like rabbits on the common room floor.
“Are you bored, Sirius? Want something to distract you, something to take your mind off the fact that James isn’t paying any attention to you these days and no one cares if you make a prat of yourself? Something that would piss off your parents, like shagging a mudblood male werewolf? Would that get you their attention? Hate to break it to you, mate, but your family stopped caring a long time ago. Your pathetic attempts at pissing off Slytherins fool no one, they know and we know you only do it to show how different you are. At least they have the dignity to be sadistic bastards and proud of it, whereas you try to justify your bullying by complaining about Mummy and Daddy and how they don’t love you anymore. Merlin, even Snape is less embarrassing than you.”
“Moony, please don’t…”
“You do know I hate that nickname, don’t you? But of course that doesn’t come into it, it amuses you and makes you feel witty and that’s what matters. “
“You never said…”
“I did say, Sirius, you just didn’t pay attention, as you didn’t want to hear and it didn’t fit with your image of me. Just as having opinions that differs from yours or James’s doesn’t fit, or saying nasty things to you doesn’t fit because Moony is quiet and kind and grateful that you deign to be friends with him. It would never occur to you that I might not like how you treat me. That I might not like you? Cause, really, Sirius, I find that I don’t.”
Sirius finds that he starts babbling, but he feels too sick to care about how silly he looks.
“I know you are still angry about the Shack and Snape, and you have every right to be, I am so sorry, Remus, I know you haven’t forgiven me…”
Remus pauses.
“No, it appears I haven’t. But it’s not that. There are a million little things that you say and do everyday. And I choose not to forgive.”
“Remus, I’m sorry, I just wanted to…”
“Wanted what? Now that James is leaving you and doesn’t want to play anymore, you want someone else to make you feel special? One would think that the ever-popular and oh-so-charming Sirius Black would not have to stoop that low, but of course you actually are that needy, that desperate to be liked by someone, and you thought I should be grateful for your attention? Poor Remus, so ugly and weak and spineless that he’ll do anything for you?”
“Or perhaps you thought I fancied you? Because you are such a delightful person that even your roommate is secretly pining in lust for you? Perhaps you wanted to feel the wolf, force me to take control so you wouldn’t have to remember who you are for one moment? Did you want me to fuck you, Sirius? Throw you against a wall, push your face to the side, and bite your neck so you’ll know you are being owned. Tear your shirt off and pin yours arms so you can’t move, leave fingerprints and bite marks on your body so you can see, you can remember the next day how much you were wanted. Fuck you up the arse so you can lose yourself in the feeling, force you to come so you could pretend you don’t really want what you want.”
Sirius is embarrassed to find that he is getting hard, equally horrified and aroused by Remus’s words. He opens his mouth, and closes it again, as Remus moves closer and grabs his collar.
“Is this what you want? Is this what you want, Sirius?”
17. Sirius feels more than hears the low growl in Remus’s throat, and he is being kissed, hard, with teeth and lips, and Remus’s tongue is inside his mouth, sending bursts of light behind his eyelids as it hits the skin behind his upper lip, and he feels his tongue being sucked into Remus’s mouth, which is pulling and biting and pushing in rhythm to Remus’s hips which are grinding against him. His hands are being pinned to his sides by Remus’s hands, and he doesn’t even try to free himself, doesn’t want to, wants to do anything Remus wants to do.
Then one hand is pushing his shirt up and Remus is pinching his nipple and it hurts but all sensation really is going down to his cock, which is being freed by Remus’s other hand, and then he is stroking it, and oh god, it feels too much, and Remus is sucking on his tongue at the same time as he is pinching and bruising his nipple and pulling at his cock and he comes onto Remus’s hand with a sob.
18. Sirius remains crumpled against the wall as Remus steps back, wipes his hand on Sirius’s crunched up t-shirt, and moves toward the armchair.
“Now leave me alone. That’s all I will do for you.”
Remus waits, then watches silently as Sirius steps back, stumbles, and then runs out the door. He can hear footsteps, crashing on the way outside, and eventually fall silent.
He stands still for a while, then sits back in front of the fireplace.
19. After walking around the lake twice Sirius realises four things. Remus lies very well, often and convincingly. Remus is always kind to people he doesn’t care about. Remus can’t handle not being in control. Remus deals with threats to his safety effectively and with cold and precise calculation.
He starts to run back to the castle.
20. Remus remains seated on the armchair. The fire has gone out, and Remus takes perverse satisfaction in the coldness of the room. He can’t feel his toes.
He doesn’t want to go back to his room, knows he can’t sleep. The idea of going down to breakfast in the morning, seeing James and Peter and Lily and everyone else makes him nauseous. He doesn’t think about seeing Sirius.
He imagines walking down to the forest and keeping on walking, just disappearing from Hogwarts, forgetting his life. He imagines never speaking to anyone he knows again, starting a new life, keeping on walking. Maybe he could steal a broomstick, fly over forests and mountains to somewhere where people don’t speak English, where no one has heard of wizards or werewolves, and the idea of Lord Voldemort is ludicrous. He likes flying, although he doesn’t do it very often, too dangerous, and he is too sickly.
This time Remus doesn’t hear Sirius come up. His nerves have given up, and he feels numb, from the cold and from tiredness, and if Dumbledore came and told him he was to be thrown out and sent to Azkaban he couldn’t muster the energy to care.
Sirius comes through the door, and keeps walking, slowly, towards Remus. He sits down on the arm and just looks at Remus.
Remus closes his eyes, and lets out a breath. When Sirius kisses him, he starts to shake, and doesn’t stop.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-02-19 01:12 pm (UTC)*applause*
no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 12:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-19 01:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 12:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-19 05:00 pm (UTC)I kind of like the idea of a bitter Remus, wanting to spearate himself from his friends, it does suit in a strange way.
And it is indeed very original; something that is often difficult to fond in this pairing.
Wow.
kx
no subject
Date: 2005-02-19 05:01 pm (UTC)teehee
no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 12:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-19 05:57 pm (UTC)He starts to run back to the castle.
These lines absolutely *killed* me. This entire piece just has a very intense mood to it, and I feel like something broke in these lines, and after that I was able to breathe again. I adore this, even though it's a characterization of their friendship I don't often buy. Thanks so much for sharing this!
no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 12:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-19 08:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 12:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-19 09:16 pm (UTC)Remus lies very well, often and convincingly. Remus is always kind to people he doesn’t care about. Remus can’t handle not being in control. Remus deals with threats to his safety effectively and with cold and precise calculation.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-20 12:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-21 01:06 pm (UTC)And I loved this bit:
he looked over her shoulder at Remus as if to say This is what I can do, This is what I can make someone feel, This is how much I can cause someone to want.
He wasn’t surprised when Remus looked away. He was surprised to have caught him watching at all.
Thanks for sharing!
no subject
Date: 2005-02-21 01:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-22 02:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-21 03:35 pm (UTC):)
no subject
Date: 2005-02-22 02:21 am (UTC)That's more or less what Rowling says, but of course it's all from Harry's perspective and Harry isn't that interested in what's going on with Lupin. So I like to think there are more things going on behind the facade.
Glad you enjoyed it!
no subject
Date: 2005-02-22 04:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-22 09:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-15 05:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-26 08:41 am (UTC)I love how cold Remus is, his silent fury unraveling at Sirius and how confused Sirius is until he comes to a realization.
You must write more-I mean, I realize it makes an absolutely tantalizing stand-alone but you must write more! You must create an entire universe for this story, it's simply too brilliant to leave alone!
no subject
Date: 2005-03-15 05:08 am (UTC)powerful narrative
Date: 2005-03-14 04:54 pm (UTC)I do like the force of the narrative - how it focuses the reader's attention and doesn't make it wander for a minute, because you are guiding us to this truth;
Remus closes his eyes, and lets out a breath. When Sirius kisses him, he starts to shake, and doesn’t stop.
A refreshing take on the dynamic though - they hurt each other (the prank, and then the words that Remus dishes out to Sirius) but they come back for more. How can their love not be canon?
Re: powerful narrative
Date: 2005-03-15 05:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 08:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-17 08:48 am (UTC)"Who knows what she spoke to the darkness, alone, in the bitter watches of the night, when all her life seemed shrinking, and the walls of her bower closing in about her, a hutch to trammel some wild thing in?"
no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 04:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 04:41 am (UTC)That's the thing, the push-pull between them as you say that allows for so much angst and mindgames. I tend to think that Sirius is a bastard in an honest way, he says things without thinking and gets into trouble, whereas with Remus it's more calculated, because he would be more aware of everything he says.
Thank you for commenting!
Yes!
Date: 2005-04-09 08:42 am (UTC)This is so true! Word.
Don't mind me, I'm just passing through your journal. Again.
I never usually say anything, just because.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 02:05 pm (UTC)I loved that Remus was as much of an arsehole as any other normal teenage boy, but that he had taken that to a new level and, when you look at it closeley, he really is as nasty as Snape - but in a more polite way.
I loved how he didn't want help - not because of any nice Remusy reasons, but because he was plain stubborn and too proud to accept that friends help because they are friends.
I love how he refused to accept that he may actually love his friends and need them because they are his friends.
It's not often that you find a fic Remus who is as self-pitying as this one is and as hard and cold with it. Self-Pity!Remus is something I dislike - but this one turns that into a sort of nastyness which harms Remus as well as everybody else.
And although I believe and love lovingandshagging!pups, I love how you've resisted the urge to (as Sirius put it) "Sirius doesn’t know what to say. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Remus was supposed to transform his anger into passion and they were supposed to shag like rabbits on the common room floor."
All in all, I do adore it. I've friended you - hope you don't mind.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 04:48 pm (UTC)Erm, that's because I don't know how to separate paragraphs in html properly and couldn't think of another way...Glad that it worked, though!
Hehee, this is actually a petpeeve (if that's the right expression for this) of mine, that Snape is nasty and Remus is nice. In PoA Remus is often sarcastic and quite deliberately, I think, provokes Snape. He's just more clever and subtle about it, whereas with Snape you can tell he's being offensive on purpose. I like sneaky cruel Remus.
That's how it was going in the beginning... then I thought they shoud suffer more first. And it is an often used plot device.
In short, thank you very much for your comments and I'm glad you liked this!